Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt


AP Bio on NBC Thursdays at 8:30pm/7:30c ANNIHILATION streaming now on Netflix. IG: pattonoswalt

4727230 followers  •  3883 follow  •    •   https://t.co/P3o059JEer

YES! Got my copy of @Merrillmarkoe’s hilarious and beautiful new memoir WE SAW SCENERY. With illustrations by HER! Head over to her timeline & order a copy! Just what I needed today!!!

Everyone who's tweeting, "I'm bored" -- this is SUPPOSED TO BE BORING. POLITICS SHOULD BE BORING, COMPETENT PEOPLE TAKING CARE OF SHIT SO YOU CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE. IT SHOULDN'T GOBBLE UP ALL THE OXYGEN IN EXISTENCE. The fuck is wrong with everyone? #VPDebate 

BOOM! There you go @KamalaHarris ! "Can I respond? Biden saved the auto industry. You voted against it. Thank you." #VPDebate 

Pence is mentally calculating the minutes until he can quietly retire as a fracking lobbyist. #VPDebate 

Fun science fact: flies vomit on whatever they land on. Okay, back to the issues! #VPDebate 

he bled from his eye and summoned flies to his head and he served a Great Orange Death-Spreader and the old men screamed pence pence pence and the moon laughed

I am just now discovering #TedLasso  on @iTunesMovies  and oh my God did I need this show. Heartfelt, hilarious, defiantly optimistic. I've only got 3 episodes left and I'm rationing them.

Good Lord @JoeBiden  I was already gonna vote for you. Breeders, Pixies AND the Beastie Boys? Now I’m gonna do TWICE the amount of phone banking I had scheduled. #BidenHarris2020 

Oswalt 2020: I Can Set The Thermostat to 72 If The Room Still Feels Warm

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Anne Frank spent 2 years hiding in an attic and we’ve been home for just over a month with Netflix, food delivery & video games and there are people risking viral death by storming state capital buildings & screaming, “Open Fuddruckers!”

These are just...shots of you. No first responders, no memorial. Just...you. Holy shit this is offensive.

When seat belts were first introduced in 1968, there were idiots who insisted they “infringed on their freedoms” and would physically cut them out of their cars. We make fun of those people now. Can you guess who we’ll be making fun of in 2072?

Liberal arts college professor brutalizes Nazi, who has a permit. More alt-left indoctrination.

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What I've learned so far tonight: America is WAAAAAAAAY more sexist than it is racist. And it's pretty fucking racist. #ElectionNight 

Dear people citing The Bible: It’s a cool book with some wonderful passages but it also has ghost sex & giants & super babies & demons. It’s why we don’t make laws based on Game of Thrones, My Little Pony or Legend of Zelda.

Congrats to @SpeakerPelosi  for inventing the “fuck you” clap. #sotu 

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The President is a stupid asshole and if you voted for him you’re a stupid asshole and if you still support him you’re a stupid asshole. Oh no this Tweet is going to make all the stupid assholes not like me waaaaah

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