Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt


AP Bio on NBC Thursdays at 8:30pm/7:30c ANNIHILATION streaming now on Netflix. IG: pattonoswalt

4665258 followers  •  3786 follow  •    •   https://t.co/P3o059JEer

“My client was denied an audition for the spring production of GUYS AND DOLLS, so we are naming the King of Prussia Dinner Theatre in a right-to-work lawsuit...”

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You'll hear from my lawyers shortly, plagiarist.

😂😂😂😂😂😂 I love you @JLCauvin  you glorious weirdo

I’ve always thought you were the fattest, most insecure, and most afraid of bumblebees comedian I’ve ever worked with.

“I built ‘GaetzBot’ as a memorial to the brave Congresssman who was ratioed to death on Twitter...”

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“LET. THE BOY. MARRY. YOUR GRANDMOTHER!!!”

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I’ve watched @eddiepepitone ’s new special FOR THE MASSES twice now. It’s weird timing but it’s landed at a breaking point of anger & absurdity in the world and Eddie captures it perfectly. In other words, we’re doomed. Enjoy.

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Anne Frank spent 2 years hiding in an attic and we’ve been home for just over a month with Netflix, food delivery & video games and there are people risking viral death by storming state capital buildings & screaming, “Open Fuddruckers!”

When seat belts were first introduced in 1968, there were idiots who insisted they “infringed on their freedoms” and would physically cut them out of their cars. We make fun of those people now. Can you guess who we’ll be making fun of in 2072?

These are just...shots of you. No first responders, no memorial. Just...you. Holy shit this is offensive.

Liberal arts college professor brutalizes Nazi, who has a permit. More alt-left indoctrination.

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What I've learned so far tonight: America is WAAAAAAAAY more sexist than it is racist. And it's pretty fucking racist. #ElectionNight 

Dear people citing The Bible: It’s a cool book with some wonderful passages but it also has ghost sex & giants & super babies & demons. It’s why we don’t make laws based on Game of Thrones, My Little Pony or Legend of Zelda.

Congrats to @SpeakerPelosi  for inventing the “fuck you” clap. #sotu 

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The President is a stupid asshole and if you voted for him you’re a stupid asshole and if you still support him you’re a stupid asshole. Oh no this Tweet is going to make all the stupid assholes not like me waaaaah

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