Trending now
Pres TrumpWisconsinRocky Mountain National ParkTony BobulinskiBiden-HarrisSingers Cher LizzoCost-Cutting Moves HeapedNewsmaxKarl RoveAl-QaedaDonald Trump PresidentArmyLiza SoberanoTrump Maintains Chinese BankTime MagazineBristol ZooJacob LawrenceBlack AmericanStarRasmussen Trump Hit Holy
Patton Oswalt
AP Bio on NBC Thursdays at 8:30pm/7:30c ANNIHILATION streaming now on Netflix. IG: pattonoswalt
YES! Got my copy of @Merrillmarkoe’s hilarious and beautiful new memoir WE SAW SCENERY. With illustrations by HER! Head over to her timeline & order a copy! Just what I needed today!!!
Share
Everyone who's tweeting, "I'm bored" -- this is SUPPOSED TO BE BORING. POLITICS SHOULD BE BORING, COMPETENT PEOPLE TAKING CARE OF SHIT SO YOU CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE. IT SHOULDN'T GOBBLE UP ALL THE OXYGEN IN EXISTENCE. The fuck is wrong with everyone? #VPDebate
BOOM! There you go @KamalaHarris ! "Can I respond? Biden saved the auto industry. You voted against it. Thank you." #VPDebate
Pence is mentally calculating the minutes until he can quietly retire as a fracking lobbyist. #VPDebate
Fun science fact: flies vomit on whatever they land on. Okay, back to the issues! #VPDebate
he bled from his eye and summoned flies to his head and he served a Great Orange Death-Spreader and the old men screamed pence pence pence and the moon laughed
I am just now discovering #TedLasso on @iTunesMovies and oh my God did I need this show. Heartfelt, hilarious, defiantly optimistic. I've only got 3 episodes left and I'm rationing them.
Good Lord @JoeBiden I was already gonna vote for you. Breeders, Pixies AND the Beastie Boys? Now I’m gonna do TWICE the amount of phone banking I had scheduled. #BidenHarris2020
Oswalt 2020: I Can Set The Thermostat to 72 If The Room Still Feels Warm
Loading
Anne Frank spent 2 years hiding in an attic and we’ve been home for just over a month with Netflix, food delivery & video games and there are people risking viral death by storming state capital buildings & screaming, “Open Fuddruckers!”
These are just...shots of you. No first responders, no memorial. Just...you. Holy shit this is offensive.
When seat belts were first introduced in 1968, there were idiots who insisted they “infringed on their freedoms” and would physically cut them out of their cars. We make fun of those people now. Can you guess who we’ll be making fun of in 2072?
Liberal arts college professor brutalizes Nazi, who has a permit. More alt-left indoctrination.
What I've learned so far tonight: America is WAAAAAAAAY more sexist than it is racist. And it's pretty fucking racist. #ElectionNight
Dear people citing The Bible: It’s a cool book with some wonderful passages but it also has ghost sex & giants & super babies & demons. It’s why we don’t make laws based on Game of Thrones, My Little Pony or Legend of Zelda.
Congrats to @SpeakerPelosi for inventing the “fuck you” clap. #sotu
The President is a stupid asshole and if you voted for him you’re a stupid asshole and if you still support him you’re a stupid asshole. Oh no this Tweet is going to make all the stupid assholes not like me waaaaah
Loading