Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert

the guy on CBS

19165661 followers  •  52 follow  •    •  

Let's take a moment to appreciate that we're waiting to find out if the winner of the election is going to win the election.

This time of year I love watching the states change color.

“And all the host laughed and wept...and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.”

Just tried on an old pair of pants, and I refuse to accept the results. Widespread fraud.

Great news, Georgia! You’re voting again soon! Request your absentee ballot now to get it in time for the holidays. Because this year’s hottest gift is Representative Democracy! #BetterKnowABallot 

Evidently, Rudy's election fraud allegations aren’t the only thing he can’t make stick.

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Happy birthday, @JoeBiden ! Today you may be 78, but in two months, you’ll be 46.

Remember: the president can pardon turkeys for federal crimes only. Corn and Cob can still be indicted by the Manhattan DA.

Telling your kids that Rudy Giuliani was once respected is like explaining that O.J. Simpson was once a football player.


One thing I know for sure: no one on the right side of history has ever had to nitpick what the definition of “cage” is.

The human body was not made to expend this much energy thinking about Pennsylvania.

I am starting a petition for the Democrats to let @iamcardib  give the rebuttal to the SOTU. Sign it by retweeting this!

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Trump says he might not accept the 2020 election results. If he needs a recommendation, I have a great therapist who helped me accept the results of the 2016 election.

Thank god it's Kamala! I was worried Biden was going to pick someone else who would have made me absolutely still vote for him no matter what.