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“If I don’t see you before have a good Christmas!”

“You look tired” Oh, thanks very much

Keep track of every single long, rainy, awkward day in 2020, with the #verybritishproblems  calendars

Brit 1: “I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to cancel” Brit 2: “Oh don’t worry, let’s do something in the new year” <Both Brits nearly pass out with relief>

Procedure for accepting pub lunch invite: 1. Look hesitant/worried 2. State you have a lot of work to get through 3. Look at watch but pay no attention to what it says 4. Say “go on then” but state terms that it’ll “have to be a quick one” 5. Go to pub for many hours

Thinking about fish and chips meaning you’re unable to think about anything other than fish and chips until you get some fish and chips


Try saying these without sounding sarcastic: 1. That's great 2. Good for you 3. Have fun 4. Fascinating 5. Thanks for that 6. Well done you 7. Good luck with that 8. Sounds thrilling 9. What a shame 10. Wow

"It didn't quite go as planned" - Translation: I may have caused irreversible damage on a monumental scale

More two-word horror stories: Eye contact Lunch meeting Surprise party Planned engineering Sing along Conference call Signal failure They’re here Team building Low carb Record highs Unexpected item You busy? Quick word Friend request Leg day Your parcel Tax return Happy birthday

If you’ve just entered a building without saying “bloody freezing out there”, you’ve done it wrong. Go out and do it again

Things that mean "no": -Yeah, could do -I'm easy really -Well, yes and no -We'll see -Maybe -If that's what you fancy -I'll see how I feel

“It’s a bloody nightmare” Meaning: Something is proving a mild inconvenience; typically used to describe slightly heavy traffic, or the internet not working “It’s not ideal” Meaning: Something terrible has happened and life is almost certainly ruined

Phrases that mean nothing will happen: Leave it with me I’ll have a word I’ll see what I can find Consider it done I’ll make some calls I’ll think about it Certainly a possibility Let’s come back to that Good idea Maybe It’s on my list Might see you down there I’ll look into it

Being safely back inside a jumper until June 2019

“Sorry, are you...?” “Oh... no! No, I’m not, sorry...” “Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry” “Sorry” Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

"So sorry" - Actually sorry "Sorry about that" - Not really sorry "Sorry you feel that way" - Not sorry at all "Sorry, but...” - Apologise to me