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“Don’t let me keep you” Translation: Please go.

“What’s the matter? What’s wrong? Has something happened?” “No, I just look like this”

Life = one long panic punctuated by cups of tea.

Feel like this should be trending most days in the UK to be honest.

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Meanings of “you look well” 1. You look well 2. You looked particularly bad when we last met 3. You look larger than last time 4. You look quite red 5. You look unwell 6. I have no recollection of how you looked last time, I just say this to everyone

“It’s so warm, I’m baking!” “Cup of boiling hot leaf water?” “Yes please”

Friday night again. Well done to everyone who made it through another week despite having no clue what you’re doing.

British responses to “what have you been up to recently?” This and that Nothing much really Keeping busy Oh you know, the usual Same old Staying out of trouble Can’t remember Don’t ask Keeping my head down Just work / work’s been manic Just boring stuff. You?

British ways to say “I’ve just been through the most harrowing and traumatising experience of my life”: It is what it is Ah well Can’t be helped Could’ve been worse It’s fine Bloody hell I think I need a sit down Right, better crack on I’ll put the kettle on Sorry about this


Nobody in Britain can believe it’s Christmas next week

March is no longer a month, it has been reclassified as an era

More two-word horror stories: Eye contact Lunch meeting Surprise party Planned engineering Sing along Conference call Signal failure They’re here Team building Low carb Record highs Unexpected item You busy? Quick word Friend request Leg day Your parcel Tax return Happy birthday

A handy collection of awkwardness from the Very British Problems book

Remember the days when water would just fall from the sky?

Britain currently can’t believe how dark it is

Handy #snowday  shopping list: -8,000 tea bags -Everything in canned goods aisle -All the bread -400 pints of milk -Enough booze to fill shed -50 Easter eggs -12kg of cheese -A whole trolley of crisps/sweets -One small bag of lettuce #uksnow 

Read platform number Hear platform number Walk to that platform Re-read platform number Get on train at platform Worry you're on wrong train