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Sunday plans: - Thoroughly test sofa - Comprehensively test telly - Rigorously test phone - Repeatedly test kettle

Pub?* *we could all just close our eyes and imagine being there

Expressing your furious anger by narrowing your eyes slightly

How to make emails sound cross: "As discussed" "I thought we agreed" "Regards" "Thanks" "I was under the impression" "FYI" "As per my email" “With respect” “Friendly reminder” “Polite note” “I was disappointed to...” “Whilst I appreciate...” “As I’m sure you’re aware”

“Morning, alright?” “Not bad thanks, you?” “Yeah good thanks” “Good” - morning chat with neighbour completed ✔️

How to deal with hay fever: 1. Rub eyes until purple 2. Apologise for swollen face 3. Say "bloody hay fever" a lot

Brit 1: “Bit warm, isn’t it?” Brit 2: “Yeah just a bit!” *both Brits let out an obligatory chuckle*


March is no longer a month, it has been reclassified as an era

Some handy safety tips if you’re considering going out socialising: 1. Don’t

"It didn't quite go as planned" - Translation: I may have caused irreversible damage on a monumental scale

More two-word horror stories: Eye contact Lunch meeting Surprise party Planned engineering Sing along Conference call Signal failure They’re here Team building Low carb Record highs Unexpected item You busy? Quick word Friend request Leg day Your parcel Tax return Happy birthday

“No no, you keep in the middle of the path, it makes more sense that I fold myself into this hedge”

If you’ve just entered a building without saying “bloody freezing out there”, you’ve done it wrong. Go out and do it again

Try saying these without sounding sarcastic: 1. That's great 2. Good for you 3. Have fun 4. Fascinating 5. Thanks for that 6. Well done you 7. Good luck with that 8. Sounds thrilling 9. What a shame 10. Wow

Things that mean "no": -Yeah, could do -I'm easy really -Well, yes and no -We'll see -Maybe -If that's what you fancy -I'll see how I feel

Phrases that mean nothing will happen: Leave it with me I’ll have a word I’ll see what I can find Consider it done I’ll make some calls I’ll think about it Certainly a possibility Let’s come back to that Good idea Maybe It’s on my list Might see you down there I’ll look into it

Being safely back inside a jumper until June 2019