March is no longer a month, it has been reclassified as an era

Some handy safety tips if you’re considering going out socialising: 1. Don’t

"It didn't quite go as planned" - Translation: I may have caused irreversible damage on a monumental scale

How to really enjoy the rain: 1. Stand at the window (inside) 2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip 3. Sip tea from mug 4. Mutter “look at that rain”, “it’s really coming down now” or “the garden needs it” 5. Say “good job we got the cushions/washing in” 6. Eat all the biscuits

More two-word horror stories: Eye contact Lunch meeting Surprise party Planned engineering Sing along Conference call Signal failure They’re here Team building Low carb Record highs Unexpected item You busy? Quick word Friend request Leg day Your parcel Tax return Happy birthday

If you’ve just entered a building without saying “bloody freezing out there”, you’ve done it wrong. Go out and do it again

Things that mean "no": -Yeah, could do -I'm easy really -Well, yes and no -We'll see -Maybe -If that's what you fancy -I'll see how I feel

Try saying these without sounding sarcastic: 1. That's great 2. Good for you 3. Have fun 4. Fascinating 5. Thanks for that 6. Well done you 7. Good luck with that 8. Sounds thrilling 9. What a shame 10. Wow

Phrases that mean nothing will happen: Leave it with me I’ll have a word I’ll see what I can find Consider it done I’ll make some calls I’ll think about it Certainly a possibility Let’s come back to that Good idea Maybe It’s on my list Might see you down there I’ll look into it

“No no, you keep in the middle of the path, it makes more sense that I fold myself into this hedge”