Matt Bellassai

Matt Bellassai

Internet drunk. Writer. Actual People's Choice Award Winner. I write about boys & butts & Beyoncé. Formerly BuzzFeed. Now ~solo~

382404 followers  •  619 follow  •  Eastern Time (US & Canada)  •

will the harry styles cover be scratch and sniff @rollingstone 

these two straight bros were VERY into my stand up show last night and i was so flattered until a security guard told me they were snorting coke in the bathroom and i was like “ok yes that makes more sense i forgot about drugs for a sec”

im one minor life crisis and about 5 degrees away from unironically wearing one of those hats that’s just an umbrella

i got a buncha shows coming up in the next few weeks FOR YOUR PLEASURE this weekend: Tacoma! next weekend: P-town & Boston! COME TO ME:

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i absolutely refuse to cut my own salad. i will jam the entire head of lettuce into my face before lifting up a knife

can’t tell if the hallway of my therapist’s office *actually* smells like my college dorm shower or if it’s some type of psychological manifestation but anyway i have a boner in the waiting room

i’ll do it. so help me, i will julie & julia my way through antoni’s cookbook unless someone stops me

i will release an official statement on harry styles playing prince eric when he personally confirms it via wet whisper directly into my ear

i visibly scowled at two teens making out on the street before realizing it was actually two youthful adult lesbians so SORRY for accidental hate crimeing you youthful adult lesbians please continue


transgender people show more courage when they leave their fucking houses in the morning than donald trump has shown his entire life

@KimKardashian girl what do you have on trump do him next

whoever invented the “skip intro” button at netflix deserves the highest accolade we as a society can bestow upon a citizen and it still wouldn’t be enough

it took us 241 years, but america has finally infiltrated the british monarchy and phase 2 of the revolutionary war can begin

happy father’s day to harry styles only

happy valentines day to harry styles only

happy met gala day to harry styles only

i cant believe @KimKardashian  just won the pulitzer prize for investigative journalism