will the harry styles cover be scratch and sniff @rollingstone 

these two straight bros were VERY into my stand up show last night and i was so flattered until a security guard told me they were snorting coke in the bathroom and i was like “ok yes that makes more sense i forgot about drugs for a sec”

im one minor life crisis and about 5 degrees away from unironically wearing one of those hats that’s just an umbrella

i got a buncha shows coming up in the next few weeks FOR YOUR PLEASURE this weekend: Tacoma! next weekend: P-town & Boston! COME TO ME:

i absolutely refuse to cut my own salad. i will jam the entire head of lettuce into my face before lifting up a knife

can’t tell if the hallway of my therapist’s office *actually* smells like my college dorm shower or if it’s some type of psychological manifestation but anyway i have a boner in the waiting room

i’ll do it. so help me, i will julie & julia my way through antoni’s cookbook unless someone stops me

i will release an official statement on harry styles playing prince eric when he personally confirms it via wet whisper directly into my ear

i laughed but also i cried

i visibly scowled at two teens making out on the street before realizing it was actually two youthful adult lesbians so SORRY for accidental hate crimeing you youthful adult lesbians please continue