Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr


Brand new tour on sale now: https://t.co/8huM98LdlY | Also now on Instagram: https://t.co/7Y1E3RTMSY

6798261 followers  •  344 follow  •    •   http://t.co/G1eOUbcD4B

I’m in Ipswich today. Someone’s built an ark, do they know something we don’t? What’s the weather forecast?

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I’m in Guildford today. Apparently Lewis Carroll wrote ‘Alice Through The Looking-Glass’ here. Alice...who the fuck is Alice?

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What do you call a donkey with three legs?

I’m at the Charter Hall in Colchester this evening. Colchester is the first place in Britain to be recognised as a town...so, recognise.

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Well, that's awkward. Brand new #YourFaceOrMine  with me and @Kathbum  tonight at 8pm on @ComedyCentralUK 

I’m performing at Indigo at the O2 in London this evening.

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I'm going to keep it classy. It would be ‘morally wrong’ and ‘hypocrytical’ to comment on another individual’s tax affairs.

Whenever the Prime Minister mentions me in Parliament why is it always about tax? He never mentions the 'Best of Tour' or Netflix Special?

Why is everyone giving Gary Glitter such a hard time - he just wants to settle down & have kids.

So not only has Ryan Giggs been in someone who's been in Big Brother, but his Brother has also been in someone his Big Brother has been in.

Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ok…’WE HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR FAMILY, GIVE US $2 MILLION OR WE WILL SHOOT THEM’.

They should just rename X Factor ‘The People That Didn’t Get Through Last Year Try Again’.

If Sepp Blatter's staying I wouldn't be surprised if the next World Cup was held in Islamic State. (& I bet we're in the group of death)

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