The Onion

The Onion


America's Finest News Source.

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Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees

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Man Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To

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Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House

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Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

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Climate Bill Allocates $3 Billion To Paint Snowy Peaks Onto Mountains

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Conservatives Question Why FBI Raided Mar-A-Lago While Dick Dastardly Remains Free

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City’s Primary Investment In Community Comes Through Police Department’s Wrongful Death Settlements

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Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second

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'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Kavanaugh, Thomas Champion Creating Better Future For Next Generation Of Rapists

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Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You

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Sympathetic Police Know What It’s Like To Have A Bad Day And Kill 8 People

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Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

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Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation

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Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End

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