The Onion

The Onion


America's Finest News Source.

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Man Arriving Late Forced To Use Excuse He Was Saving For Leaving Early

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U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence

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'Jesus, What Is It Now?' Says Man Putting Down Swamp Thing Comic To Answer Phone Call From Wife

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CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT

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Cop Confused After Pouring Fentanyl On Wife Doesn’t Do Anything

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Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick

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Liberal Relieved He Never Has To Introspect Again After Assembling All The Correct Opinions

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Woman Puts On True Crime Podcast To Entertain Herself While Cleaning Up Husband’s Entrails

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Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO

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Teen Boys Beat Shit Out Of ChatGPT Servers After It Only Gets Them ‘C’ On Assignment

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'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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Kavanaugh, Thomas Champion Creating Better Future For Next Generation Of Rapists

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Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You

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Sympathetic Police Know What It’s Like To Have A Bad Day And Kill 8 People

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Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

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Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed

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