Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien

The voice of the people. Sorry, people.

28546435 followers  •  1 follow  •  Alaska  •

“Grandpa Conan, tell us again what ‘crowds’ were.” “Why the year was 2019. This was pre-Civil War 2. President TikTok hadn’t even been born yet...”

Years from now, historians will look back on this period of American History and move to Canada.

I can't believe the pandemic was renewed for another season.

I just wrote Congress, urging them to investigate my belief that the U.S. is tampering with the 2020 election.

At this rate, the rate at which rates are increasing will increase at unprecedented rates.

A baby scorpion doesn’t look so scary from this ceiling fan I’m clinging to.

The person who told me Ruth Bader Ginsburg had passed away was my daughter, Neve. I was terribly sad, but also filled with gratitude that my daughter could see first hand how much intelligent, brave women can change the world.

Any other California residents wear “earthquake diapers” to bed?

I locked my keys in my car. Four months ago.

Hey Florida! The voter registration deadline for your state is coming up on 10/5. Register and learn more now @


President Trump didn’t pardon the whole turkey, just the white meat.

I'm ready for the all-female reboot of America.

God is looking down on humans right now thinking, “Damn. Maybe I should try dinosaurs again?”

Can we all agree to temporarily raise the bar for what’s considered an “alcoholic?”

Trump is already tweeting that Black Friday is the most ungrateful of all the Fridays.

Trump says Jesus could have avoided crucifixion by taking hydroxychloroquine.

Look, I’m not perfect but at least my obituary won’t say, “and in 2019, he defunded the Special Olympics.”

Someone is suing Canada Dry Ginger Ale because it contains no ginger, so I’d like to formally announce my lawsuit against Panda Express.

I am going back on the air Monday, March 30th. All my staff will work from home, I will shoot at home using an iPhone, and my guests will Skype. This will not be pretty, but feel free to laugh at our attempt. Stay safe.